Amanda, this was exactly what I needed to read. I’m currently experiencing heartbreak, I’m in between jobs, scared to be a human in these dark times. I have no idea who I am anymore or where I’m headed but so many of your words echoed exactly how I’m feeling. You have such a beautiful heart and I really appreciate you sharing it with us.
Apr 26, 2023·edited Apr 26, 2023Liked by Amanda Palmer
This was incredible. My pulse increased and my heart raced, then dropped, then laughter, then tears. I felt it all. I felt you. I will be adding this quote on a post it note (next to one from Sophie about "inviting everyone to the table"):
"Bats can hear shape.
Plants can eat sun.
I will not let this chapter of your life end in self-blame.
Human beings are, in fact, facing a Crisis of Belonging." -AFP
Thank you for sharing your truth in all its messy humanity. No shame, girl. No shame.
Thank you for this. In the tangle of grief of my own divorce that has not yet been inked, this is what I needed to read, to steer me away from the numbness and hopelessness I was starting to feel.
"We shattered the world of appearances and we said that living a lie is indeed living a lie. ... I became a threat to the system ... because Courage is contagious (think Courage Coup!) and any act of speaking the Truth can cause an incalculable transformation in social consciousness. And we ALL have this power. ...there's eternal Beauty in trying to find Truth." ~ Nadya 🙏 💜 💥
"Any increased infusion of the influence of truth into the collective human consciousness gives us cause for greater hope than may be apparent from what tends inevitably to be a rather gloomy [deadly, dark] overview.” ~ Chapter 23: Search for Truth, Power vs. Force, Dr. David R. Hawkins M.D., Ph.D. 🙏 💜 💥
AFP et. al. ladies and gentle-meant! (You are welcome.) 🙏 💜 💥
How do you turn prose into poetry?? If I recieved nothing else and returned (somehow) everything I've gained from being a Patron... This would be enough.
“It’s no longer about questioning authority, it’s about questioning the algorithm.
When two waves are exactly the same size and fit together, they resonate in perfect harmony.
If two waves are the same size but set exactly alternately against one another, they cancel each other out.”
There is so much flowing towards our future and against at the same time. To find an effort that isn’t thwarted by the algorithm seems to be the way...
AI feels like the click bait we choose to believe will destroy the world rather than make those that are truly destroying the world really response-able for the extractive/exploitative behaviour that has got us here, now, with choices to make. Like how to build a new world when we are so broken by the old, (StarHawk goodness there).
This kind of magicks, where we are with you, feeling for real, humanity at it’s most vulnerable and honest, this feels like the way... the reason art is still deeply powerful and able to move us all. May w all know our own art, make art and share art as we can.
Thank you as always for all that you love and share.
I don't even know how to say it, but here goes. You take so much on... I think of your Art of Asking and talk and remember you mentioning how you stay post shows, talk to everyone, and hear tales from the somewhat positive to the earth shatteringly heartbreaking.
Her jaw dropped. Then dropped some more.
You've been through a bunch. Everyday seems more like an repeating infomercial instead of a dawn of possibilities... I feel my own heart sink. Not because of breakfast dishes (I hate doing dishes) but I genuinely worry when folks have 'the stress' going on and worry about pain and outcomes and futures and most importantly, are they getting the care they need? Are there regular friends? Is there more than just one available person with which to seek avail?
I might not be using that right.
I inquire because I am a person that emotionally takes things on, listens to folks, tries to help sometimes offering advice... but i am absolutely shit at taking my own advice or taking care of myself.
So I worry. I feel all kinds of things that I expect will happen. Just worried that another person whom I respect greatly has the same problem that I do: How are you doing?
me: I'm fine.
I'm really not.
I hope that you find what you need to feel better personally and continue to be a fantastic person. All my concerns for you are flanked by hopes and reassurance. But not possibilities. I think after attending a slew of talks anywhere with a focus on possibilities some part of my conscience would lock possibility in an airport locker.
To one of the folks out there who's a great artist, and an even better person,
All my positive energy.
-Kirk
PS: I'd love to tell you how creepy a marriage proposal out of the blue is... but as a teenager I did that occasionally. I stick to exclaiming marry me instead of asking now though. (Eats a wonderful meal) Oh marry me! etc
"She says: When you repair something with your child, or with anyone for that matter, you are making safety. You are making connection.
You are saying: I will not let this chapter of your life end in self-blame.
I think about every lover and friend I’ve ever had.
I will not let this chapter of your life end in self-blame.
Saying this to another human:
This is love, in spoken form"
This made me sob. Which isn't unusual, because lately, I sob a few times a day. Often, just after yelling "what the fuck?"
My husband died last week. We had separated just a few months before. Our marriage had become so ugly and I loved him so fiercely that I had to leave. He was the love of my life.
We found out a month ago that he had cancer. He barely had time, before delirium set in, to understand just how little time he had left. I'm still not sure he understood.
I made a promise to him that we wouldn't admit him to hospital. He didn't say it, but I knew his fear was dying there alone. A doctor talked about admission, but when it became clear that all they'd do was make him comfortable, I said, thanks, but no. We'll go home.
I looked after him for 3 weeks. Before his words left him, he said, "I'm sorry".
"For what," I asked.
"Everything".
After his words had left him, I whispered my sorry into his ear. For focussing on the details. For wasting time. For my part in the ugly. For not just loving him.
I kept my promise. He died on a Monday afternoon, holding my hand.
Looking after him was me saying, "I will not let...your life end in self-blame. I will not let this chapter of my life end in self-blame." During that time together, I repaired. Created safety and connection.
I'm broken, utterly and completely. I want him back. I want more time to repair.
Thank you for your writing, Amanda. It distracted me while I procrastinate closing my eyes to sleep, because each time I do, the fact that he's gone hits me and I hyperventilate.
These words of yours reached across the ocean to Cape Town and felt like a hug.
I, too. want more time to repair. Covid broke so many bridges in my community. There is a chasm every way I look, and I feel like the repairs are endless. The dead are still dead. Many of the living are suffering too acutely to repair. But maybe we can look at it this way: we repair what we can, as we can, and we let the rest go. If he hadn’t been diagnosed with cancer, perhaps the repair, however brief, however bittersweet, would not have happened at all. Ever. I live in gratitude for the turtles I locate, not the ones who I lose on the vast beach. We grieve. We go on. You’re not alone. So much love to you. ♥️🐢
"I looked after him for 3 weeks. Before his words left him, he said, "I'm sorry".
"For what," I asked.
"Everything".
I commented above that I read this entire essay with my left hand pressed to my heart - my attempt to contain the feelings. I read your comment the same way. I immediately went to see if you have a publication to follow, and Substack promises to notify me when you start one. I hope you do.
I am currently in a situation where great harm was done to me and mine. And instead of anger, my entire being feels oriented toward compassion and repair. I have not trusted it. Have been suspicious that the compassion itself was a wounded thing, a trauma bond-codependent-asking-for-trouble-lack-of-proper-boundaries-doesn't-know-how-to-be-properly-angry artifact of my own fucked-up-ed-ness.
Reading Amanda's words "I will not let this chapter of your life end in self-blame." and then yours above, and I wonder for a moment, maybe there is something beautiful in that orientation. Something necessary and badly needed. Maybe there is something beyond a door closed with finality. A middle space where boundaries are held and work is done, but repair is possible.
Thank you, Janine, (and Amanda) for what you have given me today. I will hold it close and let the wisdom of both of your words work there way through me until it all settles.
Amanda, this was exactly what I needed to read. I’m currently experiencing heartbreak, I’m in between jobs, scared to be a human in these dark times. I have no idea who I am anymore or where I’m headed but so many of your words echoed exactly how I’m feeling. You have such a beautiful heart and I really appreciate you sharing it with us.
This was incredible. My pulse increased and my heart raced, then dropped, then laughter, then tears. I felt it all. I felt you. I will be adding this quote on a post it note (next to one from Sophie about "inviting everyone to the table"):
"Bats can hear shape.
Plants can eat sun.
I will not let this chapter of your life end in self-blame.
Human beings are, in fact, facing a Crisis of Belonging." -AFP
Thank you for sharing your truth in all its messy humanity. No shame, girl. No shame.
♥ Michele
No shame, indeed. Thank you for your comment. This was such a hard and easy piece to write. What a world.
Thank you for this. In the tangle of grief of my own divorce that has not yet been inked, this is what I needed to read, to steer me away from the numbness and hopelessness I was starting to feel.
Thank you!
I commented on Facebook like halfway through. I think I just died like 5 times reading that.
OH! And....I'm on tour in the next few weeks everybody....
This Friday, April 28th - Poughkeepsie, NY - Bardavon *ALMOST SOLD OUT*
This Saturday, April 29th - Boston, MA - The Wilbur Theater *ALMOST SOLD OUT*
May 19th, 20th, & 21st - Denver, CO - Ophelia's Electric Soapbox *SOLD OUT*
May 26th, 27th, & 28th - Santa Fe, NM - Meow Wolf *SOLD OUT*
June 16th, 17th, & 18th - Orlando, FL - The Social *SOLD OUT*
June 23rd, 24th, & 25th - New Orleans, LA - Toulouse Theatre *SOLD OUT*
All tickets at: https://amandapalmer.net/events/
this is genius.
Thanks, Chris. Please share it.
I will be sharing.
You make my human experience better. I wish I could return that to you, but just accept my thanks and love.
And boom - Nadya's message to Putin was just published on TED.com....go watch it. It's very powerful. https://www.ted.com/talks/nadya_tolokonnikova_pussy_riot_s_powerful_message_to_vladimir_putin/c
"We shattered the world of appearances and we said that living a lie is indeed living a lie. ... I became a threat to the system ... because Courage is contagious (think Courage Coup!) and any act of speaking the Truth can cause an incalculable transformation in social consciousness. And we ALL have this power. ...there's eternal Beauty in trying to find Truth." ~ Nadya 🙏 💜 💥
"Any increased infusion of the influence of truth into the collective human consciousness gives us cause for greater hope than may be apparent from what tends inevitably to be a rather gloomy [deadly, dark] overview.” ~ Chapter 23: Search for Truth, Power vs. Force, Dr. David R. Hawkins M.D., Ph.D. 🙏 💜 💥
AFP et. al. ladies and gentle-meant! (You are welcome.) 🙏 💜 💥
How do you turn prose into poetry?? If I recieved nothing else and returned (somehow) everything I've gained from being a Patron... This would be enough.
(Joker broke my streak too... I feel ya. ♥️♥️)
“It’s no longer about questioning authority, it’s about questioning the algorithm.
When two waves are exactly the same size and fit together, they resonate in perfect harmony.
If two waves are the same size but set exactly alternately against one another, they cancel each other out.”
There is so much flowing towards our future and against at the same time. To find an effort that isn’t thwarted by the algorithm seems to be the way...
AI feels like the click bait we choose to believe will destroy the world rather than make those that are truly destroying the world really response-able for the extractive/exploitative behaviour that has got us here, now, with choices to make. Like how to build a new world when we are so broken by the old, (StarHawk goodness there).
This kind of magicks, where we are with you, feeling for real, humanity at it’s most vulnerable and honest, this feels like the way... the reason art is still deeply powerful and able to move us all. May w all know our own art, make art and share art as we can.
Thank you as always for all that you love and share.
I want to comment, to feed back, connect, engage. I have to resurface first. It's so much. I can never find words. Thank you for your words.
Amanda, thank you for this. It meant a lot, for reasons that I am not even sure I can explain.
This is fucking beautiful, Amanda ❤️ Thank you
This speaks to my heart. Thank you for sharing and being a poet.
This is where the sausage is made.
I don't even know how to say it, but here goes. You take so much on... I think of your Art of Asking and talk and remember you mentioning how you stay post shows, talk to everyone, and hear tales from the somewhat positive to the earth shatteringly heartbreaking.
Her jaw dropped. Then dropped some more.
You've been through a bunch. Everyday seems more like an repeating infomercial instead of a dawn of possibilities... I feel my own heart sink. Not because of breakfast dishes (I hate doing dishes) but I genuinely worry when folks have 'the stress' going on and worry about pain and outcomes and futures and most importantly, are they getting the care they need? Are there regular friends? Is there more than just one available person with which to seek avail?
I might not be using that right.
I inquire because I am a person that emotionally takes things on, listens to folks, tries to help sometimes offering advice... but i am absolutely shit at taking my own advice or taking care of myself.
So I worry. I feel all kinds of things that I expect will happen. Just worried that another person whom I respect greatly has the same problem that I do: How are you doing?
me: I'm fine.
I'm really not.
I hope that you find what you need to feel better personally and continue to be a fantastic person. All my concerns for you are flanked by hopes and reassurance. But not possibilities. I think after attending a slew of talks anywhere with a focus on possibilities some part of my conscience would lock possibility in an airport locker.
To one of the folks out there who's a great artist, and an even better person,
All my positive energy.
-Kirk
PS: I'd love to tell you how creepy a marriage proposal out of the blue is... but as a teenager I did that occasionally. I stick to exclaiming marry me instead of asking now though. (Eats a wonderful meal) Oh marry me! etc
Marry me.
(*blush*)
(laughing)
(hears Dream Weaver)
(blush again)
(permasmile/lightheart/warmfuzzies mode engaged.)
Much love Amanda. :) <3
(Ooh-eee-sha-sha-koo-koo-yeah)
"She says: When you repair something with your child, or with anyone for that matter, you are making safety. You are making connection.
You are saying: I will not let this chapter of your life end in self-blame.
I think about every lover and friend I’ve ever had.
I will not let this chapter of your life end in self-blame.
Saying this to another human:
This is love, in spoken form"
This made me sob. Which isn't unusual, because lately, I sob a few times a day. Often, just after yelling "what the fuck?"
My husband died last week. We had separated just a few months before. Our marriage had become so ugly and I loved him so fiercely that I had to leave. He was the love of my life.
We found out a month ago that he had cancer. He barely had time, before delirium set in, to understand just how little time he had left. I'm still not sure he understood.
I made a promise to him that we wouldn't admit him to hospital. He didn't say it, but I knew his fear was dying there alone. A doctor talked about admission, but when it became clear that all they'd do was make him comfortable, I said, thanks, but no. We'll go home.
I looked after him for 3 weeks. Before his words left him, he said, "I'm sorry".
"For what," I asked.
"Everything".
After his words had left him, I whispered my sorry into his ear. For focussing on the details. For wasting time. For my part in the ugly. For not just loving him.
I kept my promise. He died on a Monday afternoon, holding my hand.
Looking after him was me saying, "I will not let...your life end in self-blame. I will not let this chapter of my life end in self-blame." During that time together, I repaired. Created safety and connection.
I'm broken, utterly and completely. I want him back. I want more time to repair.
Thank you for your writing, Amanda. It distracted me while I procrastinate closing my eyes to sleep, because each time I do, the fact that he's gone hits me and I hyperventilate.
These words of yours reached across the ocean to Cape Town and felt like a hug.
Xx
I, too. want more time to repair. Covid broke so many bridges in my community. There is a chasm every way I look, and I feel like the repairs are endless. The dead are still dead. Many of the living are suffering too acutely to repair. But maybe we can look at it this way: we repair what we can, as we can, and we let the rest go. If he hadn’t been diagnosed with cancer, perhaps the repair, however brief, however bittersweet, would not have happened at all. Ever. I live in gratitude for the turtles I locate, not the ones who I lose on the vast beach. We grieve. We go on. You’re not alone. So much love to you. ♥️🐢
Janine.
"I looked after him for 3 weeks. Before his words left him, he said, "I'm sorry".
"For what," I asked.
"Everything".
I commented above that I read this entire essay with my left hand pressed to my heart - my attempt to contain the feelings. I read your comment the same way. I immediately went to see if you have a publication to follow, and Substack promises to notify me when you start one. I hope you do.
I am currently in a situation where great harm was done to me and mine. And instead of anger, my entire being feels oriented toward compassion and repair. I have not trusted it. Have been suspicious that the compassion itself was a wounded thing, a trauma bond-codependent-asking-for-trouble-lack-of-proper-boundaries-doesn't-know-how-to-be-properly-angry artifact of my own fucked-up-ed-ness.
Reading Amanda's words "I will not let this chapter of your life end in self-blame." and then yours above, and I wonder for a moment, maybe there is something beautiful in that orientation. Something necessary and badly needed. Maybe there is something beyond a door closed with finality. A middle space where boundaries are held and work is done, but repair is possible.
Thank you, Janine, (and Amanda) for what you have given me today. I will hold it close and let the wisdom of both of your words work there way through me until it all settles.
I have tears now. Just. So . Beautiful