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Feb 27, 2022Liked by Amanda Palmer

Hi, I’m Confused. I just want to say thank u from the bottom of my heart for answering my question. It didn’t end up working out, he wasn’t ready to admit or accept anything he’d done, so I left. I don’t have any regrets about my decision. When I saw that u had answered my question, i immediately started crying. When I first came out about being raped, no one supported me, my parents blamed me and my friends didn’t kno how to handle it. U are genuinely the first person who has shown that they actually care and i will always be grateful. Being happy again is going to be hard, but I’m working on it. Thank u, I love u.

- no longer confused

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Feb 27, 2022·edited Feb 28, 2022Liked by Amanda Palmer

Thank you for this letter, Amanda. To Hoping and Confused - may you have peace and mercy for yourselves and others in your journey.

But to the chord of what is resonating here for me; forgiveness.

Amanda, you've stretched the concept out enough that we can see the little coils and spirals that make up the spring - that forgiveness, when done well, is a hundred or a thousand little spiral journeys along the same path. Eventually, what feels like the never-ending path ends up taking us something new from where we were before. Sometimes it springs us back to the past but often, it can help us gain momentum towards the future.

Mostly, I think we do not manage forgiveness well. We simplifying it into merely saying 'Sorry' for our children and then asking them to accept a new reality where everything is okay because someone apologised. We learn this as children, this simplified journey of forgiveness.. we learn it as a two-step when the steps are endless.

But here - dear Hoping and confused... here in this letter is a map, a guide for navigating a deeper, truer forgiveness. The kind that reaches into your bones. Forgiveness so often requires a wholehearted acceptance of ourselves before we can wholeheartedly accept the other. It's not to forget what has come before but to find pathways forward from it.

I'm not sure I believe in sin anymore either, although I think a practice of ethics is still rich territory for shaping a better humanity. However - there is still something to be said for when our deepest selves acknowledge and carry that sense of when something is out of place, out of time or out of 'the right'.. being that best intentioned human desire to do the best and right thing. Your sense of it and wrestling with it is a pathway to acceptance of self. Of seeing things as they are, as they can be and then charting a path forward.

That is the work of forgiveness we all must do. It turns out most weeks so far, Amanda has answered letters and questions from a completely different trajectory than mine but still they land on something I've been thinking and writing about - so I'll close with this:

I've been thinking it's possible that as with many things, we often use a word or a concept that is softer, with fewer hard edges and demands when actually the thing being demanded requires a more demanding word; a word that means work. And with forgiveness, I've been thinking about how here in my home country of New Zealand... there are lots of places we've talked about the concept of kindness that actually require the harder work of forgiveness. Perhaps that's why this letter feels so universal.

It's about the most intimate of violations which brings everything so much closer to our living centres, the home of our being. So for all of us, there are lessons to apply. For you, Hoping and Confused - I offer you both my compassion and comfort as you continue the work. As you forgive, may you help others find forgiveness wherever it is needed. As you do the work, I think you will help others to also do the work. As we become better forgivers, I think we can be better humans. So we will end up with kindness, but it will come from the deep root of forgiveness.

x Tash

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Dear Hoping and Confused,

I see you.

I hear you.

I love you.

You are beautiful,

You are imperfectly perfect.

Please don’t give up.

Never, ever give up.

Wrapping both of your hearts in gentle waves of positive, healing energy.

I love you, I love you, I love you. ♥️♥️♥️♥️

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Feb 28, 2022Liked by Amanda Palmer

I found reading the question from hopeful and the response deeply confronting. I assume my comment will get deleted and I understand, as what I have to say, is not what people like to hear. I am a victim/survivor as well. I always place victim and survivor together because of the damage that was done to me. Some days I am surviving okay and other days I am so damaged that I am still very much a victim. As a victim I have to turn up to therapy every single week, I have to work deeply to make changes in my life, so I can process and live with myself. A lot of us victims have to turn up to therapy every single week, for YEARS. All victims/survivors are told to go to therapy, it is a well known part of the journey.

So to read that a person who sexually assaulted someone, then asked a question in a very public forum by asking "a rock star", about what they can do, is beyond the pale. I mean Jesus wept it is just so dam offensive.

My entire life I have always been deeply disturbed by how an offender will go to extreme lengths to not face themselves in therapy. Offenders never turn up to therapy, even when we ask them to.

Instead an offender plays a game of Monopoly and rolls the dice right past jail and gets to go straight home because all they have to do is forgive themselves.

We still have to turn up to therapy every single week! I have spent my entire life speaking out about sexual abuse as it is not my shame, it is the offenders shame to fix and carry. So to read that it appears to be putting the shame back onto the victim, meaning, the offender just has to forgive themselves, really does place the shame back onto the victim.

As for the part discussed were the victim has no memory, well in my lived experience of child rape, then only getting the entire memory in my 30's, my body ALWAYS new, I just didn't. So he will be feelings huge confused feelings and not understand why he has body freaks outs. The offender has caused that, and I agree door stopping would be deeply traumatic and in my experience it is only ever about the offender wanting to make themselves feel better and very little to do with honestly helping the victim. I have no answer to how you can let him know? I hope you take yourself off to therapy and face yourself like all of us victims have always had to do. For context and TW.

.

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When I was 19 years old and in a drug and alcohol treatment centre. My counsellor took me out and to his house. The shortened version of this, is that he then raped me. I ran into the bathroom hysterically screaming. He sat outside the door crying and saying "I am so sorry". He then used his position as my counsellor to put me into a psych hospital and then sat in the sessions with the psychiatrist to keep me quiet. He would follow me outside and continue to say how sorry he was. This week I turned 53 and not far off finally getting him to court. Bottom line is I can still hear him saying how sorry he was and it makes me want to tear my skin off.

Please get some therapy before EVER trying to confront ANY victim.

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Feb 28, 2022Liked by Amanda Palmer

Thank you for writing this. This topic is very personal to me: when I was 19, I got blackout drunk and attempted to force myself on a close male friend. It didn't escalate to rape because, and only because, he was physically stronger than me and was able to restrain me. After that, I tried to do what was right--quit drinking entirely, went to therapy, apologized to him, allowed him to dictate what he wanted to happen to our friendship and what amount of contact he was comfortable with. But I still hated myself. It took me many years to find a way to feel compassion for myself again without excusing what I had done.

This is the advice I give to everyone in my shoes: to recover from doing something like this, what you need to do is say to yourself, "This is the worst thing I've ever done, and I hope that when I die, it will still be the worst thing I ever did, because I will take my feelings of guilt and use them to remake myself into someone who will never stoop this low again."

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Feb 28, 2022Liked by Amanda Palmer

I am so glad, Amanda, for the clear message to Hopeful that demanding that the victim help her to find closure would be yet another act of force against him. I am so glad she asked for advice rather than moving forward to try to help herself at his expense again.

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Feb 28, 2022Liked by Amanda Palmer

The key is support. Clear thought surrounding any such situation can be cloudy at best. Having willing and supportive family/friends is a great way to start. Having a therapist that you trust to run it by is fantastic. Seek help if its eating at you. The longer you wait to sort through it all, the more difficult it is to see light at the end of the tunnel and finally be able to put it down.

To anyone out there, if you're on the fence, don't wait. It takes multiple perspectives to make sense of some things in life. It only takes yourself to believe you shouldn't.

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Feb 28, 2022Liked by Amanda Palmer

Thank you for talking about your experiences, Amanda. I too am in my 40's and just now unpacking the reality that I've been sexually assaulted more than once in my lifetime. For it to have happened on more than one occasion makes me feel so supremely stupid and weak - it's a white-hot central pinpoint of shame. I would never let a friend think they were to blame because "well, I was drunk...", or "well, I didn't say no...", but it's easy to say it to myself.

I've just started therapy for the first time in my life and maybe we'll get around to talking about this at some point, but for now it helps knowing that someone who is a role model of strength and humanity in my life has gone through something similar and still has the heart to keep going and help others.

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So...you're a sexual abuser giving advice to another sexual abuser to forgive themselves? Nice

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Feb 28, 2022Liked by Amanda Palmer

I am a sexual assault survivor and it took me a moment to read this one. I was quite shocked by the first letter. I had to take a moment and pick up again. I think this is a reminder of social justice reforms. The question that popped into my mind is do I truly believe in transformative justice. Its is hard to experience abuse and not wish the worst on a abuser. I think for Hoping, the letter seemed the opposite of harm reduction. The victim should be centered. I’m shocked that person assaulted someone and tried to speak to them. They seem to be a repeat boundary cross-er. I hope they truly get help and that they learn from the harm they caused. It doesn’t seem as though they are worried about the other party but more about the guilt from damage they caused and trying to clean up the pieces. I think this was a tricky read for people that have suffered sexual abuse. As for Confused, I hope you are prospering.

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Feb 28, 2022·edited Feb 28, 2022Liked by Amanda Palmer

a

i suggest you consider doing just one advice column/month here on substack.

both you, the audience & i enjoy them.

the $750.00 probably doesn't quite cover even one, but before you stop . . .

. . . have Neil, Jamy, & the book advisors pipe in on whether a few dozens of these make a book worth publishing. then your editor at Grand Central. (Unless Neil feels you should shop the book idea around.)

love & hugs -len

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Feb 28, 2022Liked by Amanda Palmer

“forgiveness is not endorsement.” this. this, completely and whole-heartedly. 👏👏👏

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Feb 28, 2022Liked by Amanda Palmer

I took a seminary course on forgiveness. The main thing I learned was that it’s a gift to oneself as much as to the offending party.

But it’s also a bit like a vaccination in that sometimes you still get sick (angry, hurt) and you sometimes need a booster shot (to do the work of processing the injury and forgiving again).

When the #metoo conversations started in earnest, I had a brief talk with a college girlfriend about whether she’d ever felt pressured by my younger, more hormone-poisoned self. Thankfully, she said no; I somehow had gotten the ratio of gentleman to rake about right, at least in her eyes.

But as a high school wallflower who had almost no dating experience before college, I know it could gone terribly. I’m glad alcohol wasn’t in the mix. (That came after I became The Most Alienated Man Alive, which is a whole other story.)

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Feb 28, 2022Liked by Amanda Palmer

I am fortunate enough to not have any experience in this field, so I hope that my commenting here is ok.

Amanda, as always, your words are so compassionate and wise. I genuinely hope that they go some way to helping confused and hoping.

If I may I will offer a book recommendation: South of Forgiveness by Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger. A true story of forgiveness, compassion, and accountability. There is also a Ted Talk by them that can be found on YouTube.

💛

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Feb 28, 2022·edited Feb 28, 2022

The thing about forgiveness and reconciliation reminded me of something I read once from Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, where you can't have compassion without mindfulness or something like that. Like wings of a bird, too much of one or not enough of the other makes it impossible to fly.

Practicing Buddhism and lunar based magic (Sarah Faith Gottesdeiner has a fabulous book on the moon which is full of moon lore and practical self care guides) have been critical in my growth as a person and both helped me take accountability for my actions as well as holding others accountable.

It has been the thing that's allowed me to sit with the deeply affected part of myself. It has allowed me space that I didn't have and perspective that I wasn't even sure I was able to have. But that is not the same as therapy and I think both Hoping to Heal and Confused would benefit from having a support system like a counselor to help them navigate the next steps.

For what it's worth, I've never formally forgiven the person who took advantage of me to their face. (For context: I was seventeen and this person was my first kiss, and they kept showing interest in me so I let them touch me where I shouldn't have because I was convinced somehow that their interest was proof I was desirable. We flirted a lot, which blurred the lines of friendship more and more). The last time they reached out, I recall it not going too well. I could track them down on social media, dredge up some old wounds and put it at their feet. But I'll be honest, it won't do anything to change what happened. I doubt they'll even remember or if they did it wouldn't play out like the way I recall.

There's a Buddhist mantra that goes, "the tears I have shed yesterday have become rain". I have let those wounds become rain. I have come to forgive myself, accept myself for the decisions I made when I didn't know better and instead of blaming myself, I embrace the seventeen year old part of me.

It has taken a long time, but I finally feel at peace. To even write this out and not feel a tiny bit sick to my stomach is an achievement.

To everyone who has been on this path, I wish you the best of wellness. It's okay to be angry too, certainly I've allowed the rage to burn through me like a thousand suns, because that's part of the process for some of us. But regardless of where you are on your journey, you've got my support.

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I really appreciate you sharing the piece about forgiveness and reconciliation being different, if related, things. It's a distinction that I could have used language for in my own life for many years. I think the sticky-wicket in the reality that many of us experience sexual abuse and assault at the hands of family and loved ones as opposed to strangers is that, when we speak up and try to set boundaries that feel appropriately safe and protective, it can really fuck up other people in that circle's ideas about their own relationships to the offender, as well as the nature of familial and friend relationships generally. When I finally admitted that my brother had been sexually abusive to me starting when I was three until I was about thirteen, that he literally terrified me and I had no desire to be in the same room with him, our parents definitely couldn't make the distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. Mostly because of their own complicated emotional baggage around my brother, around Christian notions of "turning the other cheek", and because the boundaries I insisted on prevented them from having the sort of family narrative and experience that *they* wanted. They pressured me to "forgive", when what they really wanted me to do was forget, and reconcile myself to an ongoing relationship with someone who continued at every opportunity to treat me like garbage with no remorse. This also wouldn't have been true reconciliation, as you describe it, but it would have protected them from reality, which I just couldn't do anymore. If I had had the language to delineate the distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation, it would have helped, me at least. They still would have been the ones they are, but maybe they would have been able, at least intellectually, to understand the choices I was making for my own safety and wellness.

We can't require forgiveness of anyone else, nor can we demand reconciliation. We can, as you so beautifully describe, try to forgive ourselves and come to peace with our own imperfect, vulnerable humanity. I've heard forgiveness described as "no longer wishing the past to be different", which is a partial definition, I think, but a good place to start. I am also reminded of something I heard the great Dorothy Allison say which is that forgiveness is a path, not a destination. You wake up each day, forever, and have to decide to walk that path. Maybe it gets easier, the road gets less rocky over time, but you're never done choosing to walk it.

I wish both letter writers the necessary fortitude to choose whatever path brings them both deep reckoning and peace. It is the best that any of us can hope for, I think.

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