Hi, I’m Confused. I just want to say thank u from the bottom of my heart for answering my question. It didn’t end up working out, he wasn’t ready to admit or accept anything he’d done, so I left. I don’t have any regrets about my decision. When I saw that u had answered my question, i immediately started crying. When I first came out about being raped, no one supported me, my parents blamed me and my friends didn’t kno how to handle it. U are genuinely the first person who has shown that they actually care and i will always be grateful. Being happy again is going to be hard, but I’m working on it. Thank u, I love u.
Oh, Vicente...or should I call you No Longer Confused. Ypu're so welcome, back from the bottom of my heart. Feeling believed, really knowing deep in your bones that you are believed, is one of the most critical feelings on earth when you're a human. I see you, I believe you. Not only do I care, but I think you'll find that there a great many people here in this space who care as well, and will give you an ear if you need it. You're not alone. Being happy is hard. We have each other to find the way, and to make each other less Confused. I love you. Thanks for writing back...and don't be a stranger. We got you. xx A
hi Vicente. you are beautiful, and you are strong. you are lovable, and you are loved. thank you for sharing your story, I believe you, and I know you will be happy again. sending you all my love, and hugs ((()))
Hi Vicente After I was raped on a trip to Indonesia I told my sister and one of my brothers as well as my friends and boyfriend at the time. It really really hurt that my sister didn’t believe that I could not have gotten out of the situation - that it was somehow my fault. We are very close. With therapy I learned that she couldn’t bear imagining it happening to her and was visualizing ways to get out of it that were not available to me. I had to do a step by step recreation of the event in my therapist’s office to realize each method of escape that wouldn’t have worked. Finally, something like 40+ years later (during #metoo) she asked me to tell her again and she believed me. This is by way of saying, I get how awful it feels to not be believed and supported, especially by close loved ones. This is also by way of saying, that might change in the future. For now, know that other rape survivors love and support you. If you’re one of Amanda’s patrons, you know what a loving supportive community that is. Watching the video mashup that she and Reb did of Blurred Lines and Rape Me is a great cathartic experience that releases a lot of demons. Lots of love, Marguerita
Thank you for this letter, Amanda. To Hoping and Confused - may you have peace and mercy for yourselves and others in your journey.
But to the chord of what is resonating here for me; forgiveness.
Amanda, you've stretched the concept out enough that we can see the little coils and spirals that make up the spring - that forgiveness, when done well, is a hundred or a thousand little spiral journeys along the same path. Eventually, what feels like the never-ending path ends up taking us something new from where we were before. Sometimes it springs us back to the past but often, it can help us gain momentum towards the future.
Mostly, I think we do not manage forgiveness well. We simplifying it into merely saying 'Sorry' for our children and then asking them to accept a new reality where everything is okay because someone apologised. We learn this as children, this simplified journey of forgiveness.. we learn it as a two-step when the steps are endless.
But here - dear Hoping and confused... here in this letter is a map, a guide for navigating a deeper, truer forgiveness. The kind that reaches into your bones. Forgiveness so often requires a wholehearted acceptance of ourselves before we can wholeheartedly accept the other. It's not to forget what has come before but to find pathways forward from it.
I'm not sure I believe in sin anymore either, although I think a practice of ethics is still rich territory for shaping a better humanity. However - there is still something to be said for when our deepest selves acknowledge and carry that sense of when something is out of place, out of time or out of 'the right'.. being that best intentioned human desire to do the best and right thing. Your sense of it and wrestling with it is a pathway to acceptance of self. Of seeing things as they are, as they can be and then charting a path forward.
That is the work of forgiveness we all must do. It turns out most weeks so far, Amanda has answered letters and questions from a completely different trajectory than mine but still they land on something I've been thinking and writing about - so I'll close with this:
I've been thinking it's possible that as with many things, we often use a word or a concept that is softer, with fewer hard edges and demands when actually the thing being demanded requires a more demanding word; a word that means work. And with forgiveness, I've been thinking about how here in my home country of New Zealand... there are lots of places we've talked about the concept of kindness that actually require the harder work of forgiveness. Perhaps that's why this letter feels so universal.
It's about the most intimate of violations which brings everything so much closer to our living centres, the home of our being. So for all of us, there are lessons to apply. For you, Hoping and Confused - I offer you both my compassion and comfort as you continue the work. As you forgive, may you help others find forgiveness wherever it is needed. As you do the work, I think you will help others to also do the work. As we become better forgivers, I think we can be better humans. So we will end up with kindness, but it will come from the deep root of forgiveness.
I found reading the question from hopeful and the response deeply confronting. I assume my comment will get deleted and I understand, as what I have to say, is not what people like to hear. I am a victim/survivor as well. I always place victim and survivor together because of the damage that was done to me. Some days I am surviving okay and other days I am so damaged that I am still very much a victim. As a victim I have to turn up to therapy every single week, I have to work deeply to make changes in my life, so I can process and live with myself. A lot of us victims have to turn up to therapy every single week, for YEARS. All victims/survivors are told to go to therapy, it is a well known part of the journey.
So to read that a person who sexually assaulted someone, then asked a question in a very public forum by asking "a rock star", about what they can do, is beyond the pale. I mean Jesus wept it is just so dam offensive.
My entire life I have always been deeply disturbed by how an offender will go to extreme lengths to not face themselves in therapy. Offenders never turn up to therapy, even when we ask them to.
Instead an offender plays a game of Monopoly and rolls the dice right past jail and gets to go straight home because all they have to do is forgive themselves.
We still have to turn up to therapy every single week! I have spent my entire life speaking out about sexual abuse as it is not my shame, it is the offenders shame to fix and carry. So to read that it appears to be putting the shame back onto the victim, meaning, the offender just has to forgive themselves, really does place the shame back onto the victim.
As for the part discussed were the victim has no memory, well in my lived experience of child rape, then only getting the entire memory in my 30's, my body ALWAYS new, I just didn't. So he will be feelings huge confused feelings and not understand why he has body freaks outs. The offender has caused that, and I agree door stopping would be deeply traumatic and in my experience it is only ever about the offender wanting to make themselves feel better and very little to do with honestly helping the victim. I have no answer to how you can let him know? I hope you take yourself off to therapy and face yourself like all of us victims have always had to do. For context and TW.
.
.
.
.
When I was 19 years old and in a drug and alcohol treatment centre. My counsellor took me out and to his house. The shortened version of this, is that he then raped me. I ran into the bathroom hysterically screaming. He sat outside the door crying and saying "I am so sorry". He then used his position as my counsellor to put me into a psych hospital and then sat in the sessions with the psychiatrist to keep me quiet. He would follow me outside and continue to say how sorry he was. This week I turned 53 and not far off finally getting him to court. Bottom line is I can still hear him saying how sorry he was and it makes me want to tear my skin off.
Please get some therapy before EVER trying to confront ANY victim.
Dear Jazmine. Oh god....what a horrifying story. And I can understand how this piece would be confronting...and I just have to say, I deeply agree with you. EVErybody who's been on either side of this should get some therapy, and it falls disproportionately to the victims and survivors, and it's an injustice. I hope you get the closure you desire in court and that the guy who did this to you sees justice. It sounds like a monstrous experience to have gone through...and I'm hugging you from over here, for what it's worth. Thank you for sharing your story. x A
Jazmine, I noticed that I could write to Confused (Vicente) but I couldn’t bring myself to write to Hoping. I think you put a finger on exactly why. I wrote to Vicente about how I had to relive the rape in my therapist’s office to stop feeling like it was my fault, that I could have gotten out of it somehow. I mean, this is the work I had to do. I would like to see Hoping do the hard work in therapy required. I hope that Hoping does the hard work around why they were getting drunk/stoned off their ass when they were on holiday. I hope that Hoping examines why the close friends they normally holidayed with cut off contact. Was there a pattern of behavior that they already had? Those are the things therapy will help with. I think I will have to do a lot of metta before I can write to Hoping and tell them that I love them. I wish I could do that now - maybe later.
Thank you for writing this. This topic is very personal to me: when I was 19, I got blackout drunk and attempted to force myself on a close male friend. It didn't escalate to rape because, and only because, he was physically stronger than me and was able to restrain me. After that, I tried to do what was right--quit drinking entirely, went to therapy, apologized to him, allowed him to dictate what he wanted to happen to our friendship and what amount of contact he was comfortable with. But I still hated myself. It took me many years to find a way to feel compassion for myself again without excusing what I had done.
This is the advice I give to everyone in my shoes: to recover from doing something like this, what you need to do is say to yourself, "This is the worst thing I've ever done, and I hope that when I die, it will still be the worst thing I ever did, because I will take my feelings of guilt and use them to remake myself into someone who will never stoop this low again."
I felt like I needed to add to this: I think that Hopeful needs to take many of these steps as well (quit drinking, seek therapy, and respect her victim's request not to contact him). Right now, she is still someone who would do something like this. It is important to speak to a therapist in order to understand what part of her was willing to violate another person like this, and to find a way to change that part of herself. Self-compassion is important, but so is actually doing the work to change and not letting yourself off the hook immediately. There are some good DIY zines with resources for perpetrators on how to hold oneself accountable in a situation like this.
Ageed. In both situations there was something in her that says "I know what I am thinking of doing is WRONG and may harm the other party, but if I do it it will make me feel better in this situation" whether the feeling better is relief from peer pressure or relief from the guilt it's still the same faulty mechanism.
I am so glad, Amanda, for the clear message to Hopeful that demanding that the victim help her to find closure would be yet another act of force against him. I am so glad she asked for advice rather than moving forward to try to help herself at his expense again.
The key is support. Clear thought surrounding any such situation can be cloudy at best. Having willing and supportive family/friends is a great way to start. Having a therapist that you trust to run it by is fantastic. Seek help if its eating at you. The longer you wait to sort through it all, the more difficult it is to see light at the end of the tunnel and finally be able to put it down.
To anyone out there, if you're on the fence, don't wait. It takes multiple perspectives to make sense of some things in life. It only takes yourself to believe you shouldn't.
hi Quoth, it sounds like you got hurt and betrayed, probably sexually abused by someone, I'm sorry for whatever happened to you. Anger is a healthy, normal reaction to that, I pray for healing for you too.
Hi Quoth. Well...I suppose through a certain lens, yes, you could actually put it that way. Though your wording is harsh and unkind, that is.....almost what I am saying, yes. I don't think I would classify myself as a "sexual abuser", but what exactly do we mean by that? If you mean someone who has crossed boundaries and made some regretful decisions in my life...yes. I have done that. I gotta own it. Do I forgive myself? Yes. Have tried my best to make it right? Yes. I think I have. Do I feel like I'm in the position to talk to someone else about a similar experience? Yes. So, interestingly, what you've said in your comment is pretty much true. Just phrased in a kinda...mean way. If anything has happened to you, and this post really got a rise out of you, I'm sorry if I added suffering. I love you and I hope you're okay. xxA
I felt very angry when I read your letter. I still feel very angry. The idea that my rapist has forgiven himself - that he SHOULD forgive himself- makes me sick. I haven't forgiven myself for what he did to me, so why should I forgive him?
My words to you were harsh. I'm sorry for that. The world isn't black and white and I spoke from a place of immense hurt and anger.
I'm so sorry, Quoth. I hope it gets easier for you, and I promise you that it's worth it to forgive yourself, as much of a hard step as it can be. I wish you the best.
I am a sexual assault survivor and it took me a moment to read this one. I was quite shocked by the first letter. I had to take a moment and pick up again. I think this is a reminder of social justice reforms. The question that popped into my mind is do I truly believe in transformative justice. Its is hard to experience abuse and not wish the worst on a abuser. I think for Hoping, the letter seemed the opposite of harm reduction. The victim should be centered. I’m shocked that person assaulted someone and tried to speak to them. They seem to be a repeat boundary cross-er. I hope they truly get help and that they learn from the harm they caused. It doesn’t seem as though they are worried about the other party but more about the guilt from damage they caused and trying to clean up the pieces. I think this was a tricky read for people that have suffered sexual abuse. As for Confused, I hope you are prospering.
It could have been out of guilt, but who knows. Another read of this letter will probably be in order at some point. I'm not them nor was I the person they were trying to communicate with, tough as someone who is learning to have healthy boundaries, stemming from years of not knowing how to have them, when an abuser tries too fast to ask for forgiveness it can read as "please just forgive me so *I* can feel better about it". That's just from my own experience. I have no doubt this person does really feel bad but at the end of the day, a line was crossed and sometimes there's no coming back from it. I'm glad they had the wherewithal to see the error of their ways now, but unfortunately it has caused a rift that none of us are really qualified to help heal. I hope for their sake they can work on themselves but yeah, never a good idea to try racing towards forgiveness when the wound is still seeping.
i suggest you consider doing just one advice column/month here on substack.
both you, the audience & i enjoy them.
the $750.00 probably doesn't quite cover even one, but before you stop . . .
. . . have Neil, Jamy, & the book advisors pipe in on whether a few dozens of these make a book worth publishing. then your editor at Grand Central. (Unless Neil feels you should shop the book idea around.)
agreed, a less frequent cadence seems more sustainable given how much love and attention goes into each post. especially if you go on tour, there would have to be a pause.
a book project might allow you to give it attention as time permits, and then you could always post monthly or quarterly to substack and bounce ideas around on patreon.
this column has opened up a lot of hearts and provided relief, possibility, and perspective on stuff that few learn to grapple with, and if they do, it is often alone. what you did is a blessing.
I took a seminary course on forgiveness. The main thing I learned was that it’s a gift to oneself as much as to the offending party.
But it’s also a bit like a vaccination in that sometimes you still get sick (angry, hurt) and you sometimes need a booster shot (to do the work of processing the injury and forgiving again).
When the #metoo conversations started in earnest, I had a brief talk with a college girlfriend about whether she’d ever felt pressured by my younger, more hormone-poisoned self. Thankfully, she said no; I somehow had gotten the ratio of gentleman to rake about right, at least in her eyes.
But as a high school wallflower who had almost no dating experience before college, I know it could gone terribly. I’m glad alcohol wasn’t in the mix. (That came after I became The Most Alienated Man Alive, which is a whole other story.)
I am fortunate enough to not have any experience in this field, so I hope that my commenting here is ok.
Amanda, as always, your words are so compassionate and wise. I genuinely hope that they go some way to helping confused and hoping.
If I may I will offer a book recommendation: South of Forgiveness by Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger. A true story of forgiveness, compassion, and accountability. There is also a Ted Talk by them that can be found on YouTube.
The thing about forgiveness and reconciliation reminded me of something I read once from Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, where you can't have compassion without mindfulness or something like that. Like wings of a bird, too much of one or not enough of the other makes it impossible to fly.
Practicing Buddhism and lunar based magic (Sarah Faith Gottesdeiner has a fabulous book on the moon which is full of moon lore and practical self care guides) have been critical in my growth as a person and both helped me take accountability for my actions as well as holding others accountable.
It has been the thing that's allowed me to sit with the deeply affected part of myself. It has allowed me space that I didn't have and perspective that I wasn't even sure I was able to have. But that is not the same as therapy and I think both Hoping to Heal and Confused would benefit from having a support system like a counselor to help them navigate the next steps.
For what it's worth, I've never formally forgiven the person who took advantage of me to their face. (For context: I was seventeen and this person was my first kiss, and they kept showing interest in me so I let them touch me where I shouldn't have because I was convinced somehow that their interest was proof I was desirable. We flirted a lot, which blurred the lines of friendship more and more). The last time they reached out, I recall it not going too well. I could track them down on social media, dredge up some old wounds and put it at their feet. But I'll be honest, it won't do anything to change what happened. I doubt they'll even remember or if they did it wouldn't play out like the way I recall.
There's a Buddhist mantra that goes, "the tears I have shed yesterday have become rain". I have let those wounds become rain. I have come to forgive myself, accept myself for the decisions I made when I didn't know better and instead of blaming myself, I embrace the seventeen year old part of me.
It has taken a long time, but I finally feel at peace. To even write this out and not feel a tiny bit sick to my stomach is an achievement.
To everyone who has been on this path, I wish you the best of wellness. It's okay to be angry too, certainly I've allowed the rage to burn through me like a thousand suns, because that's part of the process for some of us. But regardless of where you are on your journey, you've got my support.
I really appreciate you sharing the piece about forgiveness and reconciliation being different, if related, things. It's a distinction that I could have used language for in my own life for many years. I think the sticky-wicket in the reality that many of us experience sexual abuse and assault at the hands of family and loved ones as opposed to strangers is that, when we speak up and try to set boundaries that feel appropriately safe and protective, it can really fuck up other people in that circle's ideas about their own relationships to the offender, as well as the nature of familial and friend relationships generally. When I finally admitted that my brother had been sexually abusive to me starting when I was three until I was about thirteen, that he literally terrified me and I had no desire to be in the same room with him, our parents definitely couldn't make the distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. Mostly because of their own complicated emotional baggage around my brother, around Christian notions of "turning the other cheek", and because the boundaries I insisted on prevented them from having the sort of family narrative and experience that *they* wanted. They pressured me to "forgive", when what they really wanted me to do was forget, and reconcile myself to an ongoing relationship with someone who continued at every opportunity to treat me like garbage with no remorse. This also wouldn't have been true reconciliation, as you describe it, but it would have protected them from reality, which I just couldn't do anymore. If I had had the language to delineate the distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation, it would have helped, me at least. They still would have been the ones they are, but maybe they would have been able, at least intellectually, to understand the choices I was making for my own safety and wellness.
We can't require forgiveness of anyone else, nor can we demand reconciliation. We can, as you so beautifully describe, try to forgive ourselves and come to peace with our own imperfect, vulnerable humanity. I've heard forgiveness described as "no longer wishing the past to be different", which is a partial definition, I think, but a good place to start. I am also reminded of something I heard the great Dorothy Allison say which is that forgiveness is a path, not a destination. You wake up each day, forever, and have to decide to walk that path. Maybe it gets easier, the road gets less rocky over time, but you're never done choosing to walk it.
I wish both letter writers the necessary fortitude to choose whatever path brings them both deep reckoning and peace. It is the best that any of us can hope for, I think.
Similar to what Dorothy Allison said, a quote that really helped me with figuring out how to forgive myself was this quote from the singer Pat the Bunny:
"Redemption stories are nice, but I think the reality is more like sweeping the floor. In our bare feet we notice that the floor is dirty, and then we can sweep the floor or not, but either way it will be a new situation tomorrow. We can't treat this as a problem; there is not a solution to it. But a clean floor is nice to walk on anyway, and someday we may even be able to sweep the floor because we respect the dignity of our feet and not because we are afraid of the dirt. Some days, that's why I sweep now."
I wanted to write something smart and elaborate, but I just can’t right now. I reckon that’s a good thing—I’m paying attention. I’ll come back to this bit, and that it’ll be a part of my journey. Thank you for that, Amanda.
I’m so profoundly grateful that Amanda keeps creating spaces where, hand in hand, we can go into the darkness together and hold each other. I feel seen, understood and appreciated. I hope you do, too, all of you.
Hi, I’m Confused. I just want to say thank u from the bottom of my heart for answering my question. It didn’t end up working out, he wasn’t ready to admit or accept anything he’d done, so I left. I don’t have any regrets about my decision. When I saw that u had answered my question, i immediately started crying. When I first came out about being raped, no one supported me, my parents blamed me and my friends didn’t kno how to handle it. U are genuinely the first person who has shown that they actually care and i will always be grateful. Being happy again is going to be hard, but I’m working on it. Thank u, I love u.
- no longer confused
So proud of you! you are so loved, Vincente.
Keep your strength. Knowing when to walk away shows you’ve got what it takes.
Oh, Vicente...or should I call you No Longer Confused. Ypu're so welcome, back from the bottom of my heart. Feeling believed, really knowing deep in your bones that you are believed, is one of the most critical feelings on earth when you're a human. I see you, I believe you. Not only do I care, but I think you'll find that there a great many people here in this space who care as well, and will give you an ear if you need it. You're not alone. Being happy is hard. We have each other to find the way, and to make each other less Confused. I love you. Thanks for writing back...and don't be a stranger. We got you. xx A
hi Vicente. you are beautiful, and you are strong. you are lovable, and you are loved. thank you for sharing your story, I believe you, and I know you will be happy again. sending you all my love, and hugs ((()))
I'm so proud of you Vicente. Wishing you the best ♥
Hi Vicente After I was raped on a trip to Indonesia I told my sister and one of my brothers as well as my friends and boyfriend at the time. It really really hurt that my sister didn’t believe that I could not have gotten out of the situation - that it was somehow my fault. We are very close. With therapy I learned that she couldn’t bear imagining it happening to her and was visualizing ways to get out of it that were not available to me. I had to do a step by step recreation of the event in my therapist’s office to realize each method of escape that wouldn’t have worked. Finally, something like 40+ years later (during #metoo) she asked me to tell her again and she believed me. This is by way of saying, I get how awful it feels to not be believed and supported, especially by close loved ones. This is also by way of saying, that might change in the future. For now, know that other rape survivors love and support you. If you’re one of Amanda’s patrons, you know what a loving supportive community that is. Watching the video mashup that she and Reb did of Blurred Lines and Rape Me is a great cathartic experience that releases a lot of demons. Lots of love, Marguerita
Thank you for this letter, Amanda. To Hoping and Confused - may you have peace and mercy for yourselves and others in your journey.
But to the chord of what is resonating here for me; forgiveness.
Amanda, you've stretched the concept out enough that we can see the little coils and spirals that make up the spring - that forgiveness, when done well, is a hundred or a thousand little spiral journeys along the same path. Eventually, what feels like the never-ending path ends up taking us something new from where we were before. Sometimes it springs us back to the past but often, it can help us gain momentum towards the future.
Mostly, I think we do not manage forgiveness well. We simplifying it into merely saying 'Sorry' for our children and then asking them to accept a new reality where everything is okay because someone apologised. We learn this as children, this simplified journey of forgiveness.. we learn it as a two-step when the steps are endless.
But here - dear Hoping and confused... here in this letter is a map, a guide for navigating a deeper, truer forgiveness. The kind that reaches into your bones. Forgiveness so often requires a wholehearted acceptance of ourselves before we can wholeheartedly accept the other. It's not to forget what has come before but to find pathways forward from it.
I'm not sure I believe in sin anymore either, although I think a practice of ethics is still rich territory for shaping a better humanity. However - there is still something to be said for when our deepest selves acknowledge and carry that sense of when something is out of place, out of time or out of 'the right'.. being that best intentioned human desire to do the best and right thing. Your sense of it and wrestling with it is a pathway to acceptance of self. Of seeing things as they are, as they can be and then charting a path forward.
That is the work of forgiveness we all must do. It turns out most weeks so far, Amanda has answered letters and questions from a completely different trajectory than mine but still they land on something I've been thinking and writing about - so I'll close with this:
I've been thinking it's possible that as with many things, we often use a word or a concept that is softer, with fewer hard edges and demands when actually the thing being demanded requires a more demanding word; a word that means work. And with forgiveness, I've been thinking about how here in my home country of New Zealand... there are lots of places we've talked about the concept of kindness that actually require the harder work of forgiveness. Perhaps that's why this letter feels so universal.
It's about the most intimate of violations which brings everything so much closer to our living centres, the home of our being. So for all of us, there are lessons to apply. For you, Hoping and Confused - I offer you both my compassion and comfort as you continue the work. As you forgive, may you help others find forgiveness wherever it is needed. As you do the work, I think you will help others to also do the work. As we become better forgivers, I think we can be better humans. So we will end up with kindness, but it will come from the deep root of forgiveness.
x Tash
This was so beautifully put...thank you Tash. xxx
Dear Hoping and Confused,
I see you.
I hear you.
I love you.
You are beautiful,
You are imperfectly perfect.
Please don’t give up.
Never, ever give up.
Wrapping both of your hearts in gentle waves of positive, healing energy.
I love you, I love you, I love you. ♥️♥️♥️♥️
I found reading the question from hopeful and the response deeply confronting. I assume my comment will get deleted and I understand, as what I have to say, is not what people like to hear. I am a victim/survivor as well. I always place victim and survivor together because of the damage that was done to me. Some days I am surviving okay and other days I am so damaged that I am still very much a victim. As a victim I have to turn up to therapy every single week, I have to work deeply to make changes in my life, so I can process and live with myself. A lot of us victims have to turn up to therapy every single week, for YEARS. All victims/survivors are told to go to therapy, it is a well known part of the journey.
So to read that a person who sexually assaulted someone, then asked a question in a very public forum by asking "a rock star", about what they can do, is beyond the pale. I mean Jesus wept it is just so dam offensive.
My entire life I have always been deeply disturbed by how an offender will go to extreme lengths to not face themselves in therapy. Offenders never turn up to therapy, even when we ask them to.
Instead an offender plays a game of Monopoly and rolls the dice right past jail and gets to go straight home because all they have to do is forgive themselves.
We still have to turn up to therapy every single week! I have spent my entire life speaking out about sexual abuse as it is not my shame, it is the offenders shame to fix and carry. So to read that it appears to be putting the shame back onto the victim, meaning, the offender just has to forgive themselves, really does place the shame back onto the victim.
As for the part discussed were the victim has no memory, well in my lived experience of child rape, then only getting the entire memory in my 30's, my body ALWAYS new, I just didn't. So he will be feelings huge confused feelings and not understand why he has body freaks outs. The offender has caused that, and I agree door stopping would be deeply traumatic and in my experience it is only ever about the offender wanting to make themselves feel better and very little to do with honestly helping the victim. I have no answer to how you can let him know? I hope you take yourself off to therapy and face yourself like all of us victims have always had to do. For context and TW.
.
.
.
.
When I was 19 years old and in a drug and alcohol treatment centre. My counsellor took me out and to his house. The shortened version of this, is that he then raped me. I ran into the bathroom hysterically screaming. He sat outside the door crying and saying "I am so sorry". He then used his position as my counsellor to put me into a psych hospital and then sat in the sessions with the psychiatrist to keep me quiet. He would follow me outside and continue to say how sorry he was. This week I turned 53 and not far off finally getting him to court. Bottom line is I can still hear him saying how sorry he was and it makes me want to tear my skin off.
Please get some therapy before EVER trying to confront ANY victim.
Dear Jazmine. Oh god....what a horrifying story. And I can understand how this piece would be confronting...and I just have to say, I deeply agree with you. EVErybody who's been on either side of this should get some therapy, and it falls disproportionately to the victims and survivors, and it's an injustice. I hope you get the closure you desire in court and that the guy who did this to you sees justice. It sounds like a monstrous experience to have gone through...and I'm hugging you from over here, for what it's worth. Thank you for sharing your story. x A
Thank you for writing and sharing this. I’m with you.
Jazmine, I noticed that I could write to Confused (Vicente) but I couldn’t bring myself to write to Hoping. I think you put a finger on exactly why. I wrote to Vicente about how I had to relive the rape in my therapist’s office to stop feeling like it was my fault, that I could have gotten out of it somehow. I mean, this is the work I had to do. I would like to see Hoping do the hard work in therapy required. I hope that Hoping does the hard work around why they were getting drunk/stoned off their ass when they were on holiday. I hope that Hoping examines why the close friends they normally holidayed with cut off contact. Was there a pattern of behavior that they already had? Those are the things therapy will help with. I think I will have to do a lot of metta before I can write to Hoping and tell them that I love them. I wish I could do that now - maybe later.
Thank you for writing this. This topic is very personal to me: when I was 19, I got blackout drunk and attempted to force myself on a close male friend. It didn't escalate to rape because, and only because, he was physically stronger than me and was able to restrain me. After that, I tried to do what was right--quit drinking entirely, went to therapy, apologized to him, allowed him to dictate what he wanted to happen to our friendship and what amount of contact he was comfortable with. But I still hated myself. It took me many years to find a way to feel compassion for myself again without excusing what I had done.
This is the advice I give to everyone in my shoes: to recover from doing something like this, what you need to do is say to yourself, "This is the worst thing I've ever done, and I hope that when I die, it will still be the worst thing I ever did, because I will take my feelings of guilt and use them to remake myself into someone who will never stoop this low again."
I felt like I needed to add to this: I think that Hopeful needs to take many of these steps as well (quit drinking, seek therapy, and respect her victim's request not to contact him). Right now, she is still someone who would do something like this. It is important to speak to a therapist in order to understand what part of her was willing to violate another person like this, and to find a way to change that part of herself. Self-compassion is important, but so is actually doing the work to change and not letting yourself off the hook immediately. There are some good DIY zines with resources for perpetrators on how to hold oneself accountable in a situation like this.
Ageed. In both situations there was something in her that says "I know what I am thinking of doing is WRONG and may harm the other party, but if I do it it will make me feel better in this situation" whether the feeling better is relief from peer pressure or relief from the guilt it's still the same faulty mechanism.
I am so glad, Amanda, for the clear message to Hopeful that demanding that the victim help her to find closure would be yet another act of force against him. I am so glad she asked for advice rather than moving forward to try to help herself at his expense again.
The key is support. Clear thought surrounding any such situation can be cloudy at best. Having willing and supportive family/friends is a great way to start. Having a therapist that you trust to run it by is fantastic. Seek help if its eating at you. The longer you wait to sort through it all, the more difficult it is to see light at the end of the tunnel and finally be able to put it down.
To anyone out there, if you're on the fence, don't wait. It takes multiple perspectives to make sense of some things in life. It only takes yourself to believe you shouldn't.
So...you're a sexual abuser giving advice to another sexual abuser to forgive themselves? Nice
hi Quoth, it sounds like you got hurt and betrayed, probably sexually abused by someone, I'm sorry for whatever happened to you. Anger is a healthy, normal reaction to that, I pray for healing for you too.
Hi Quoth. Well...I suppose through a certain lens, yes, you could actually put it that way. Though your wording is harsh and unkind, that is.....almost what I am saying, yes. I don't think I would classify myself as a "sexual abuser", but what exactly do we mean by that? If you mean someone who has crossed boundaries and made some regretful decisions in my life...yes. I have done that. I gotta own it. Do I forgive myself? Yes. Have tried my best to make it right? Yes. I think I have. Do I feel like I'm in the position to talk to someone else about a similar experience? Yes. So, interestingly, what you've said in your comment is pretty much true. Just phrased in a kinda...mean way. If anything has happened to you, and this post really got a rise out of you, I'm sorry if I added suffering. I love you and I hope you're okay. xxA
I'm not okay.
I felt very angry when I read your letter. I still feel very angry. The idea that my rapist has forgiven himself - that he SHOULD forgive himself- makes me sick. I haven't forgiven myself for what he did to me, so why should I forgive him?
My words to you were harsh. I'm sorry for that. The world isn't black and white and I spoke from a place of immense hurt and anger.
I'm so sorry, Quoth. I hope it gets easier for you, and I promise you that it's worth it to forgive yourself, as much of a hard step as it can be. I wish you the best.
I am a sexual assault survivor and it took me a moment to read this one. I was quite shocked by the first letter. I had to take a moment and pick up again. I think this is a reminder of social justice reforms. The question that popped into my mind is do I truly believe in transformative justice. Its is hard to experience abuse and not wish the worst on a abuser. I think for Hoping, the letter seemed the opposite of harm reduction. The victim should be centered. I’m shocked that person assaulted someone and tried to speak to them. They seem to be a repeat boundary cross-er. I hope they truly get help and that they learn from the harm they caused. It doesn’t seem as though they are worried about the other party but more about the guilt from damage they caused and trying to clean up the pieces. I think this was a tricky read for people that have suffered sexual abuse. As for Confused, I hope you are prospering.
It could have been out of guilt, but who knows. Another read of this letter will probably be in order at some point. I'm not them nor was I the person they were trying to communicate with, tough as someone who is learning to have healthy boundaries, stemming from years of not knowing how to have them, when an abuser tries too fast to ask for forgiveness it can read as "please just forgive me so *I* can feel better about it". That's just from my own experience. I have no doubt this person does really feel bad but at the end of the day, a line was crossed and sometimes there's no coming back from it. I'm glad they had the wherewithal to see the error of their ways now, but unfortunately it has caused a rift that none of us are really qualified to help heal. I hope for their sake they can work on themselves but yeah, never a good idea to try racing towards forgiveness when the wound is still seeping.
a
i suggest you consider doing just one advice column/month here on substack.
both you, the audience & i enjoy them.
the $750.00 probably doesn't quite cover even one, but before you stop . . .
. . . have Neil, Jamy, & the book advisors pipe in on whether a few dozens of these make a book worth publishing. then your editor at Grand Central. (Unless Neil feels you should shop the book idea around.)
love & hugs -len
agreed, a less frequent cadence seems more sustainable given how much love and attention goes into each post. especially if you go on tour, there would have to be a pause.
a book project might allow you to give it attention as time permits, and then you could always post monthly or quarterly to substack and bounce ideas around on patreon.
this column has opened up a lot of hearts and provided relief, possibility, and perspective on stuff that few learn to grapple with, and if they do, it is often alone. what you did is a blessing.
“forgiveness is not endorsement.” this. this, completely and whole-heartedly. 👏👏👏
I took a seminary course on forgiveness. The main thing I learned was that it’s a gift to oneself as much as to the offending party.
But it’s also a bit like a vaccination in that sometimes you still get sick (angry, hurt) and you sometimes need a booster shot (to do the work of processing the injury and forgiving again).
When the #metoo conversations started in earnest, I had a brief talk with a college girlfriend about whether she’d ever felt pressured by my younger, more hormone-poisoned self. Thankfully, she said no; I somehow had gotten the ratio of gentleman to rake about right, at least in her eyes.
But as a high school wallflower who had almost no dating experience before college, I know it could gone terribly. I’m glad alcohol wasn’t in the mix. (That came after I became The Most Alienated Man Alive, which is a whole other story.)
I am fortunate enough to not have any experience in this field, so I hope that my commenting here is ok.
Amanda, as always, your words are so compassionate and wise. I genuinely hope that they go some way to helping confused and hoping.
If I may I will offer a book recommendation: South of Forgiveness by Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger. A true story of forgiveness, compassion, and accountability. There is also a Ted Talk by them that can be found on YouTube.
💛
The thing about forgiveness and reconciliation reminded me of something I read once from Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, where you can't have compassion without mindfulness or something like that. Like wings of a bird, too much of one or not enough of the other makes it impossible to fly.
Practicing Buddhism and lunar based magic (Sarah Faith Gottesdeiner has a fabulous book on the moon which is full of moon lore and practical self care guides) have been critical in my growth as a person and both helped me take accountability for my actions as well as holding others accountable.
It has been the thing that's allowed me to sit with the deeply affected part of myself. It has allowed me space that I didn't have and perspective that I wasn't even sure I was able to have. But that is not the same as therapy and I think both Hoping to Heal and Confused would benefit from having a support system like a counselor to help them navigate the next steps.
For what it's worth, I've never formally forgiven the person who took advantage of me to their face. (For context: I was seventeen and this person was my first kiss, and they kept showing interest in me so I let them touch me where I shouldn't have because I was convinced somehow that their interest was proof I was desirable. We flirted a lot, which blurred the lines of friendship more and more). The last time they reached out, I recall it not going too well. I could track them down on social media, dredge up some old wounds and put it at their feet. But I'll be honest, it won't do anything to change what happened. I doubt they'll even remember or if they did it wouldn't play out like the way I recall.
There's a Buddhist mantra that goes, "the tears I have shed yesterday have become rain". I have let those wounds become rain. I have come to forgive myself, accept myself for the decisions I made when I didn't know better and instead of blaming myself, I embrace the seventeen year old part of me.
It has taken a long time, but I finally feel at peace. To even write this out and not feel a tiny bit sick to my stomach is an achievement.
To everyone who has been on this path, I wish you the best of wellness. It's okay to be angry too, certainly I've allowed the rage to burn through me like a thousand suns, because that's part of the process for some of us. But regardless of where you are on your journey, you've got my support.
I really appreciate you sharing the piece about forgiveness and reconciliation being different, if related, things. It's a distinction that I could have used language for in my own life for many years. I think the sticky-wicket in the reality that many of us experience sexual abuse and assault at the hands of family and loved ones as opposed to strangers is that, when we speak up and try to set boundaries that feel appropriately safe and protective, it can really fuck up other people in that circle's ideas about their own relationships to the offender, as well as the nature of familial and friend relationships generally. When I finally admitted that my brother had been sexually abusive to me starting when I was three until I was about thirteen, that he literally terrified me and I had no desire to be in the same room with him, our parents definitely couldn't make the distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. Mostly because of their own complicated emotional baggage around my brother, around Christian notions of "turning the other cheek", and because the boundaries I insisted on prevented them from having the sort of family narrative and experience that *they* wanted. They pressured me to "forgive", when what they really wanted me to do was forget, and reconcile myself to an ongoing relationship with someone who continued at every opportunity to treat me like garbage with no remorse. This also wouldn't have been true reconciliation, as you describe it, but it would have protected them from reality, which I just couldn't do anymore. If I had had the language to delineate the distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation, it would have helped, me at least. They still would have been the ones they are, but maybe they would have been able, at least intellectually, to understand the choices I was making for my own safety and wellness.
We can't require forgiveness of anyone else, nor can we demand reconciliation. We can, as you so beautifully describe, try to forgive ourselves and come to peace with our own imperfect, vulnerable humanity. I've heard forgiveness described as "no longer wishing the past to be different", which is a partial definition, I think, but a good place to start. I am also reminded of something I heard the great Dorothy Allison say which is that forgiveness is a path, not a destination. You wake up each day, forever, and have to decide to walk that path. Maybe it gets easier, the road gets less rocky over time, but you're never done choosing to walk it.
I wish both letter writers the necessary fortitude to choose whatever path brings them both deep reckoning and peace. It is the best that any of us can hope for, I think.
Similar to what Dorothy Allison said, a quote that really helped me with figuring out how to forgive myself was this quote from the singer Pat the Bunny:
"Redemption stories are nice, but I think the reality is more like sweeping the floor. In our bare feet we notice that the floor is dirty, and then we can sweep the floor or not, but either way it will be a new situation tomorrow. We can't treat this as a problem; there is not a solution to it. But a clean floor is nice to walk on anyway, and someday we may even be able to sweep the floor because we respect the dignity of our feet and not because we are afraid of the dirt. Some days, that's why I sweep now."
That's a wonderful metaphor! Thank you. So much of this humaning business seems to be making peace with the endless necessity to sweep the floor.
I wanted to write something smart and elaborate, but I just can’t right now. I reckon that’s a good thing—I’m paying attention. I’ll come back to this bit, and that it’ll be a part of my journey. Thank you for that, Amanda.
I’m so profoundly grateful that Amanda keeps creating spaces where, hand in hand, we can go into the darkness together and hold each other. I feel seen, understood and appreciated. I hope you do, too, all of you.