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Tammi Labrecque's avatar

1️⃣ To the larger question, "Should I or shouldn't I?":

I love both of my children deeply; they have become fantastic human beings who love me back (not always a sure bet!), and I'm proud of the parent I am and the people they are.

But if I had it to do over again, I would not have children.

(I hear everyone's gasps. Here's the thing: if I hadn't had them, I wouldn't miss them. It's okay to say this. It's okay to FEEL this.)

Getting pregnant and ultimately marrying someone with deep roots in a semi-rural area has meant giving up on many of my dreams. There are a hundred lives I could have lived, a hundred careers, a hundred paths I didn't take because I spent a full *quarter of a century* putting someone else's needs before my own.

I love them, but I gave up a LOT to be their mother, and I don't always think it was a fair trade. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I seem to be in the minority on this, but I thought it was worth bringing up.

2️⃣ To the trauma issue:

MASSIVE childhood trauma here. Neglect and abuse from a mother with BPD. A broken home at 9. Abandoned by my father after the divorce. Physical, mental, AND sexual abuse from various family members. THREE stepfathers and a dozen "not quite but almost" stepfathers. More than 30 moves (with accompanying school changes) before I was 16.

My childhood was a fucking TRAIN WRECK.

But here's the good news: it made me a better parent.

No joke — I am seriously not kidding — whenever I had to make a decision in my parenting journey, I asked myself "What would my mother have done?" and I pretty much did the opposite (or at least not THAT).

It worked. That's all I can say. It worked.

It's a fucked-up compass, but it got us all through.

So if you DO choose to have a kid, it'll be okay that you don't know what to do with them from 2-10, because at least you'll know what NOT to do with them!

I wish you so much luck and love, and I'm sure you'll do the exact right thing, whatever it is.

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Christina's avatar

My birthed kids are 23 and 12, the first one very unplanned, the second one planned for years. I have 2 stepsons now as well.

I have nothing to add to the amazing, soul-piercing advice above other than this:

You might not like kids. But you’re gonna like YOUR kid. YOUR kid is gonna pick up your mannerisms and speech patterns; your humor and fun. YOUR kid is going to drive you nuts but in ways you recognize. The alchemy of “so like me” and “so much themselves” is a goddamn delight. I was scared to death of preteens. My preteen is fucking awesome. Because it’s still HER.

BLESSINGS on all of us, parents or not, agonizing or at peace. Life is so hard and gorgeous.

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